Raw Review (June 8, 2009) | WrestlingNewsArena.com

Raw Review (June 8, 2009)

Posted by Mike Shannon on June 8th, 2009 No Comments Printer-Friendly

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WWE RAW

(June 8, 2009)

by: Mike Shannon (DLman91@hotmail.com)

-LIVE from Lafayette, Louisiana….”The Waterboy” anyone?

-Well, new updates on Batista’s injury say that it is not as bad as originally advertised, so I guess we’ll have to see what that means for the title and the inevitable return of HHH.

-Batista is out first and brags about being a five-time champ (tying him with Bret Hart, which I’m sure has the Hitman VERY happy) and says he did all this for us. Orton has heard enough and distracts Batista while Legacy attacks from the crowd. Batista holds his own for a little while, but a chairshot turns the tide and the stable goes to work on Batista’s shoulder. Randy pillmanizes Big Dave’s arm repeatedly, then wedges Batista’s arm against the chair until it breaks. Well there’s your injury angle, Jethro. Orton steals the title just because he’s a dick.

-For those who are new to smark vocabulary terms, to “pillmanize” someone is to place your opponents limb in a partly folded steel chair and then stomping on the legs of the chair to try and break the limb. Steve Austin debuted this against Brian Pillman in 1997 when he broke Pillman’s ankle, hence the term “pillmanize”.

Here endeth the lesson

-Backstage, Batista is put on a stretcher for a broken arm. Okey dokey. Batista really wants his title back. I don’t get it…Big Dave got over by not falling for HHH’s heel tricks and overcoming them to win, you’re telling me he didn’t see this attack coming? A smart face would have had John Cena and Kofi Kingston as backup in case something like this happened.

Kofi Kingston vs. William Regal
Regal has a mic and believes he can help us through these trying times, unlike the Jamaican in the ring. Well, alright then. Kofi gets a dropkick right away but misses something off the top rope and takes a senton from Regal for two. Lawler is acting all somber over Batista, using his “serious voice” and annoying me. Kofi gets his foot up in the corner and chops away, getting a standing dropkick and the Jamaican Legdrop for two. Regal comes back with a knee to the gut for two, but misses a punt to the ribs and Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise for the win.
Winner: Kofi Kingston

-They are trying to get Trouble in Paradise over as a finishing move that can hit out of nowhere, just like DDP’s Diamond Cutter. It’s going decent so far, but this match was nothing much. *1/4

-Backstage, Legacy is sure that Batista’s arm is broken and Orton is cashing in his rematch clause so Batista either has to show up or forfeit the title.

Never would have allowed such shenanigans

Divas Championship
Maryse vs. Kelly Kelly
Mickie James joins the commentary team. Speaking of divas, Lilian is looking quite tasty tonight…less horse-faced than usual. I know this match sucks and it hasn’t even started yet. Kelly’s music reminds of shit you hear at dance clubs while multicolored lights surround whores grinding against guys with pencil-thin beards and sunglasses on inside. I now remember why I don’t go to dance clubs.

Maryse does her usual heel schtick and then they fight over a lockup to the mat, which results in nothing. Kelly’s kicks lead to her doing her token cheerleader flip, then they clothesline each other and Maryse somehow gets two. Mickie sucks on commentary. Maryse gets a sloppy spinning backbreaker, but misses a charge to the corner and Kelly rolls her up for two. Kelly makes the comeback and gets two off a high cross body. Maryse’s selling involves screaming while getting hit…it’s very annoying. Kelly hooks a hurricanrana for two, but gets caught coming off the top rope and Maryse hits the DDT then hooks some sort of bizarre cover for the win.
Winner and STILL Champion: Maryse

-Post-match, Maryse bullies Kelly until Mickie makes the save. You know your pinfall sucked when the play-by-play announcer thinks the shoulders weren’t even down and calls it “]nonchalant”. Match was brutal of course 1/2*.

-Next week, Raw is three hours and all 3 World titles will be defended. Do I get paid more for the extra hour? Or at all?

-Recap of the Hog Pen Match, which I will officially update to -***** because I’m still fucking pissed about it 24 hours later. What a joke. Vince probably thought it was hilarious because he has some sort of weird fascination with hillbillies and farms, which is why there is always one hillbilly on the show.

By the way, Jesse is the son of the late Fabulous Freebirds member Terry “Bam Bam” Gordy.

-Backstage, Vickie confirms there will be a World Title match and Batista has to answer a 10 count, or the title will be forfeited. She also promises a big announcement that will shake Raw to it’s core.

-Maryse meets the Miz and thinks her French is hot. She refuses to be impressed until he actually scores an official win on John Cena.

Six Man Tag
Santino Marella, Goldust, and Festus vs. Chavo Guerrero, Brian Kendrick, and Jamie Noble
Festus cleans house on Kendrick to start and tags out to Santino, who immediately tags in Goldust when he gets punched. Dustin hammers away in the corner, but gets distracted by Noble enabling Chavo to get the tag and trap him in the heel corner where cheating ensues. Jamie Noble checks in for the first time and uses his token jobber offense before locking on a chicken wing. Santino gets a cheap shot to allow Goldust to make the hot tag and the Italian hits a legsweep for two, broken by the heels. A big brawl erupts and Kendrick tosses Hornswoggle in the ring, where he steps on Noble’s foot, allowing Marella to roll him up for the win.
Winners: Santino, Goldust, and Festus

-A pointless match that didn’t really mean anything and didn’t advance anyone. * for a nothing match. I ask again: How does Hornswoggle still have a job and someone like Umaga doesn’t?

The Miz vs. John Cena
The Miz, of course, has to grab the mic and let everyone know that Cena is the most overrated worker in WWE and a hero all 13 year old boys out there. It’s funny because its TRUE! Cena actually doesn’t duck him this time and makes his way to the ring. HOWEVER, the Big Slow makes his way out to ringside and plants Cena with a chokeslam. He locks on the SHITTIEST CAMEL CLUTCH EVER and Cena passes out. This feud is terrible. The Miz, sick of Big Show interrupting his matches, beats the shit out Show with a steel chair then adds a shot to Cena for good measure. The Miz poses with the chair on the entrance ramp just because.
No Contest

-DUD for no match obviously. The Miz REALLY needs a big win to push him to the top of the card but first, if I may, a statement. *Ahem* NOTE TO WWE: NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THE FUCKING BIG SHOW IN AN UPPER CARD POSITION!!!!!! I am so sick of watching this guy move in slow motion and continually get pushed just because he’s tall and fat. He is completely useless in the ring. Retire now you fat, slow-moving, dump truck of food eating, regressing, dragging everyone down with you PIECE OF SHIT! The future is not you, it never was you and it will never be you. Fuck.

-MVP is out to throw his hat in the ring for the WWE Title match next week on RAW, and promises he will show that he deserves it by winning his next match leading to…

MVP vs. Matt Hardy
MVP hits a drop toe hold for two and Matt sells the arm, but he still manages to drag MVP off the second rope for a two count. Matt grabs a front facelock, but MVP breaks and hits his judo throw to take control. He hammers away on Hardy before using the knee to set up the Baller Elbow, which gets two. MVP misses a boot in the corner, allowing Matt to hit a reverse DDT for a near fall. Matt tries a 10-punch, but MVP counters and FINALLY attacks the arm which allows him to hit the Playmaker for the win.
Winner: MVP

-These two have been wrestling for YEARS it seems, but you wouldn’t know it from watching this one. They didn’t click at all and it was slow and plodding. *1/4

-King and Cole review last night’s Extreme Rules PPV. Why don’t they just show clips? I don’t get the still pictures stuff, I mean someone who wants to see the matches is going to order the replay regardless if 3 second highlights are shown on Raw.

Earth-Shaking, Amazingly Awesome Announcement
Vickie is out to let us know the last thing on her mind is making the fans happy. Actually, that seems to be the attitude of the WWE creative team as well. She claims she saw fans taking cell phone pictures of her in the Hog Pen, which is RIDICULOUSLY wrong because WWE tells arena security to confiscate any cell phones that are used to record or take pictures. I know this because my friend works security at the Mellon Arena for WWE events.

Vickie finally gets to her announcement and that is that she is resigning as GM of Raw because she is sick of being made fun of by fans. Edge joins us and says he was all ready to apologize and make up with Vickie, but then she had to be stupid and resign from power, which makes her useless to him. He admits he married her for her power and is disgusted by her. He actually says that they never had sex and then asks for a divorce, which sends Vickie into a big old hissy-fit.

-Backstage, Cena basically talks about nothing and doesn’t think the Miz is awesome.

Priceless vs. Primo and Carlito Colon
If Priceless wins, they get a title shot in the unspecified future. For some reason we take a commercial break right away and come back with Primo hitting an enzugiri and getting a hot tag to Carlito. He goes to work on Cody, hitting a standing dropkick for two. A cheapshot by DiBiase allows Rhodes to hit a DDT for two, so he tags in Ted who stomps away. Ted becomes my personal hero by actually using his father’s fistdrop because it’s one of the coolest moves that no one has bothered to copy yet. Carlito fights out of a chinlock, but Ted stays in control with a kick to the face and tags in Cody. Bodyslam sets up a kneedrop for two and DiBiase comes back in with a Russian legsweep for another near fall. Ted lays in some elbowdrops on Carlito for two and another comeback attempt goes nowhere.

The heels tag in and out a few times, double-teaming Carlito and Cody eventually grabs a chinlock. Carlito finally fights out and gets another hot tag to Primo, who gets two with a body press on Ted before getting rid of Cody. Carlito and Cody brawl on the outside but Rhodes gets the better of it and snaps Primo’s neck on the top rope, allowing DiBiase to get the pin and win the title shot.
Winners: Priceless

-Reminder: The Macho Man DVD comes out this week. If you are a man, you will go out and buy it.

It takes alot of testosterone to pull this look off

-Randy Orton is out to introduce yet ANOTHER replay of Batista getting his arm broken, in case we haven’t seen it the last 492 times they played it. It looks more fake each and every time. Orton tries to be all dramatic when he talks, but he just comes off as boring and monotone.

WWE Championship
Batista vs. Randy Orton
Batista, of course, doesn’t answer to the music but the referee waves off the count because there is an ambulance backstage. So apparently “answering the 10 count” consists of driving into the arena’s parking lot. However, it is not Batista who answered the count but the returning HHH with sledgehammer in tow. Legacy shits themselves and grabs chairs while awaiting Hunter’s entrance.

Priceless attacks during the walk to the ring, but HHH takes care of them with hammer shots to the gut. HHH tosses the hammer down and jumps in the ring to kick the shit out of Orton. Randy tries to run away but HHH beats him around ringside and introduces him to the announce table. HHH tries to hit him with a monitor, but Orton kicks Hunter in the gut and tries to escape through the crowd, where HHH catches him and beats on Randy some more.

Hunter drags him back to the ring, but Orton grabs a chair for defense. Orton tries to use it but HHH catches him with a spinebuster then smacks him with hard chairshots to the back. HHH then targets the knee with the chair, then a shot to the back of the neck with a pinpoint shot. Ouch. The crowd actually chants for a Pedigree while Orton begs for his life, which of course is not going to work. HHH finally gets his revenge and Pedigrees Orton on the steel chair and poses to end the show.
No Contest

Final Word
Well I have NO idea who the WWE Champion is right now and with Batista injured again the promotion had to make it up to the fans somehow and they did it with a HHH return. That was a great angle to end the show, with HHH beating the living hell out of Orton for all the torture he put him through, but I’m sure it’s not over yet. HOWEVER, the rest of the show was REALLY bad with not one good match it carry it. Vickie’s resignation means another Raw GM search and Big Show continues to drag the show, and John Cena, down to terrible levels. Raw is BRUTAL in the lower card and, if they don’t elevate some people FAST, the backlash is going to begin, if it hasn’t already.

For the last time…..